That’s Not Fair!”

How to Help Your Child When Big Emotions Boil Over

“That’s not fair!”

It might just be the most shouted sentence of childhood

handling-fairness-feelings

You’ll hear it in the kitchen, in the car, halfway up the stairs, or halfway through a game.

It’s the battle cry of everything from bedtime disagreements…

to biscuit-counting disputes…

to a general sense that life just isn’t going their way today.

And even though we’ve all felt it too, as parents, it can be hard not to instantly defend, explain, or shut it down:

“That’s enough now.”

“Life’s not always fair!”

“You’ll understand when you’re older.”

But here’s the thing:

When a child says “That’s not fair!”, what they’re really saying is:

 “I feel powerless.”

“Something doesn’t feel safe or equal.”

 “I don’t understand what’s happening, and it’s making me upset.”

And that is a perfect moment to pause — and connect.

1. Start by Naming the Feeling

You can say:

“It feels really unfair, doesn’t it?”

Even just that one sentence can help soften the edges.

Not because you’re agreeing with the “unfairness” — but because you’re acknowledging the emotion behind it.

Children need their feelings to be seen before they can move through them.

Naming what they’re feeling helps their brain calm down — it’s co-regulation in action.

2. Offer Choice + Comfort

Try saying:

“Do you want to talk about it, or do you need a cuddle first?”

This kind of simple choice gives children a sense of control again.

It tells them:

 Your feelings are okay

 I’m here for you

You’re not alone with this

It also helps you avoid power struggles, which let’s face it… no one really wins.

3. Remember What Fairness Feels Like

As adults, we know that fairness isn’t always about everything being equal.

Sometimes one child stays up later because they’re older.

Sometimes someone gets extra help because they need it.

But kids don’t always have the tools to understand that yet.

So when something feels “unfair” to them, they’re not being difficult — they’re just trying to understand a complex world with a still-developing brain.

What they really need is emotional safety.

Fairness, to them, feels like being seen… understood… and reassured.

What Percy Might Say...

Percy, with his big heart and curious nature, would probably wag his tail and say:

“That sounds ruff. Let’s talk about it. Or maybe you just need a snuggle first.”

Because sometimes, when we stop trying to fix the feeling and start meeting the child inside it, everything starts to shift.

So next time you hear:

“That’s not fair!”

Take a breath.

See the need, not just the words.

And remember — the goal isn’t to be perfect.

It’s to be present

You’ve got this.

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